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8 Things to Never Put Your Penis Into

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I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE! (Erik Guzman via Imgur)

Sometimes a hand just won’t cut it. If a man can’t find another human being to take care of his needs, he’ll sometimes find an object instead.

When a man thinks with his wiener, things go bad.

But hopefully not as bad as they did for 8 guys who just…just shouldn’t have…

8 Things to Never Put Your Penis Into


Scott Conant And Michael Mina's East Meets West Party At Turnberry Isle - 2016 Food Network & Cooking Channel South Beach Wine & Food Festival Presented By FOOD & WINE
But it says “knob”! (Gabriel Bancora)

1) A Bottle

Unless you have a micro-wang, bottles tend to be too narrow. But tell that to the Honduran gentlemen who made sweet love to a bottle, got it stuck in there for 4 days, and then had to have it amputated. He got to watch his penis die, too. No word on whether he got to at least keep the bottle.


Sex Tourism is Big Business In Pattaya
Didn’t think she meant this “flat” bed. (Getty Images)

2) A Hooker

Geez, can’t bang a bottle, now I can’t at least pay for a human? Last year (2016), a Chinese man died while getting his ROI with a prostitute. Great way to go for a man, but the poor prostitute (did she make him pay up front?) had to be wheeled away by paramedics with the guy still fully immersed…in her.


Wind Turbine Transition Pieces Lined Up For Transport
Delivery for a… “Your Mom”… (Getty Images)

3) A Pipe

You’re just minding your own business when you spot a pipe with a certain je ne sais quoi. It gives you that look and you just can’t help yourself. A British man thought it would be proper to hump a steel pipe, but got it jammed. I don’t care how turned on I am, a metal grinder within 5 feet of my lil’ choad just kills the mood. This guy got off (…) scott (Brit?) free, and got to keep his crumpet.


Mid Atlantic Coast Prepares For Hurricane Sandy
Nailed it…Imma ’bout to nail this! (Getty Images)

4) A Roll of Tape

Can’t afford to buy a cock ring? Just be like this genius and DIY! Or take it as a warning, and leave the cock ring manufacturing to the professionals.




CSU Convention In Wildbad Kreuth
Get your fingers out of my girl! (Getty Images)

5) Pasta

I always thought you used pasta as a means to get into a woman’s bed, not as a replacement for it. Leave it to an Aussie to try the latter. Combine the misplaced priorities with the fact that he was driving while getting his noodle on (but wait, there’s more!), and you’ve got yourself a reason to seek therapy.


Massive Tornado Causes Large Swath Of Destruction In Suburban Moore, Oklahoma
With this ring, I thee bang (Getty Images)

6) A Wedding Ring

Maybe you can afford a cock ring, but you’re on house arrest. Whatevs. You’re all out of duct tape, so you use the next best thing: your wedding ring! A South African man let his friends convince him that it’d be a great idea to use his wedding ring as a cock ring. It wasn’t.


Planned Renovation Stirs Controversy At Famed New York Park
At least he’s serenading it first… (Getty Images)

7) A Park Bench

A walk in the park, then a bang in the bench! A Hong Kong lover-of-public-seats got his D stuck in the B. A dozen cops and EMS workers got to free him from the G.I. Joe kung fu grip of the bench. Hopefully they got extra paid vacation for it.



I’d stick my bread in that… (Getty Images)

8) A Toaster

A toaster? A TOASTER?!

A Londoner stuck his English muffin into a toaster. It got stuck (hopefully it wasn’t set to dark). Firefighters helped extract his weenis (did they use butter?). Authorities released a statement urging people to stop having sex with appliances. Dear Lemmy, what’s wrong with London’s perverts?


H/T: Men’s Health

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